WARNING: LONG POST. LIKE SERIOUSLY FRICKING LONG. NANTI KORANG MUNTAH DARAH.
This is my second post for today. It shows that I have no life. SWEET.
Ok tipu, I have a lot of work, but I just don't know how to do it sebab I'm still new and I haven't been fully introduced to my job yet.
Hence I am free... like for the whole fucking time.
I can tell this is going to be one emo post, cause fikiran aku dah meracau.
Ok so, I hardly reveal how HARD it is to sustain a LDR. Post post lain yang aku tulis semua nya mesti ada happy happy positive sentimental values.
But the truth is, it's so fucking hard. Aku agak terkejut on my own strength and capability to maintain this relationship. I think I deserve a big round of applause!!
Don is my first love, tho I've claimed aku ada ex boyfriends yang macam toyol, but I was 16/17 yo, what la did I know about love? So technically, Don is my first one lah.
It wasn't that big of a deal before...I mean before we met, cause it was all on the internetzzz, walaupon my heart was aching sebab aku tak dapat peluk dia in person, but I was content (kinda) cause I've got nothing to compare to.
But it was during those times jugak when we had A LOT of fights....like seriously banyak ok, macam hari hari mesti gadoh. We kept pointing fingers at each others lah, his fault, my fault blah blah.
For me, everything yang dia buat, mesti tak kena. Mesti aku nak mengamok.
On my defense, I can blame it on my PMS, my womanly instinct, blah blah, but we all know those are just some horseshit women created to get away with stuff.
It turned out, I was lonely, despite him "being there" for me 24/7, but it wasn't enough. I needed some human touch. Sebab tu hari hari mood macam puaka.
I felt as if he couldn't make me happy anymore (sometimes), everything he did, mesti aku melenting, so I guess it was the last straw lah, he started neglecting me. Lagi lah aku naik berang kan.
See, told you our relationship isn't all candies and scones.
Then we've decided to meet...finally, it was the BEST decision EVER. Tipulah kalau aku cakap it never was never our intention to meet up, we've talked about it for years, but we just didn't have the resources. I was still studying, he was still working on getting his business up. We both were so sengkek on duit, traveling across the world was something beyond our grasps.
It took us years to finally get everything stabilized (monetary) .
We finally met...kalau kau cakap kau gembira kodok when you had your first kid, then imagine tahap kegembiraan kau tu campur excitement masa kawen. Itulah my tahap kegembiraan. Memang melampau lampau!
Barulah everything started to recede. Kalau tak, memang hari hari aku menaga. Lagi menaga sakti kalau dia balas balik...which is all the time lah kan. Haha.
Oh yeah, one more thing about us yg I don't think I've mentioned before...kitaorg dua dua panas baran. Aku memang korang dah sedia tau lah, memang mood macam celaka. Kalau dah marah tu, memang marah gila. But Don....ohhhh, memang lagi lah baran dia.
Aku selalu nangis bukan sebab apa, sebab aku tak dpt keluarkan comebacks yang bombastik macam dia...haha. Lagilah geram kalau tak dapat cakap ayat yang last tuuuuu. I NEED to end the sentence! Kalau tak, memang aku akan ungkit ungkit balik...hahaha.
Ye aku memang keji.
Sure we still argue from time to time, but tak der lah seteruk macam dulu. Dulu, memang hari hari aku gadoh teruk, sampai bila jerit, satu rumah bergegar...I think my Uni friends can vouch for me on that haha.
Now, things are slowing down...maybe we both are growing old (wah, macam lah aku ni 60 tahun) and we realized the importance of having to STOP AND LISTEN FIRST...hahahahahaha. Ok kadang kadang aku melenting jugak, tapi lepas tu aku rasa guilty sebab tak dengar his explanation sampai habis and that selalunya membuatkan aku macam si bodoh lendu.
But no lah, I just think darah amukkan muda tu semakin hari semakin kurang...haha. Kan bagus kalau lapisan lemak aku pon semakin hari semakin kurang.. Hmmm.
I have to admit, sometimes to maintain my relationship ni memang agak beban, sebab aku tengok couple couple lain, perangai macam cibai pon, still together gether. Yang aku pulak, I have to do SO much, so aku rasa tak adil lah macam tu.
I've questioned myself is this relationship worth all the troubles? I mean why would I sacrifice myself on time and on resources on something that's beyond my reach kan. I almost gave up on us one time.
Tu kira iman lemah lah (iman ke? Hahahaha!) Ok lah, bukan iman, nanti ada pulak para mukmin yang marah aku sebab menyalahgunakan perkataan. I lost my semangat and my hope masa tu. Tambahan pulak, masa tu ada sorang minah dok menyempil nyempil dengan Don. Lagi lah aku hot kannnn.
Lama jugak aku menyendiri, I cut myself from the public. Hari hari nangis. Until one day, he finally consoled me. He admitted he was feeling guilty for doing this shit to me and he couldn't stand me cry hari hari anymore (I later admitted that it was partly my fault too).
Mula mula tu aku buat buat tak makan saman, tapi lama lama...cair jugak beb. Wah.
I was thinking, kalau aku betul betul gave up on us, why it bothered me so much when some other girl menggedik dengan dia? And why I was so cair when he comforted me?
It got me thinking long and hard.
Tho di luaran aku cakap dia tak penting lagi for me, but deep down, I was still hoping of "us". I realized I've never stopped loving him (wah, sila muntah hijau).
So kesimpulannya, if you've come to a jalan buntu and you have the thoughts of leaving him because you hate/despise him, then you ought to think again, sebab obviously you still have feelings for him for hate is still a feeling, bukannya indifference.
Indifference tu macam kau tak der langsung perasaan apa apa kat dia, kau tak benci, kau tak menyampah, kau tak rasa sakit hati ke apa, bila nampak dia, kau rasa macam "oh well...Ohh look at there, other hot guys!"
Ok sebenarnya aku dah hilang arah tujuan post ni..dah lama menyimpang.
So yeah, my relationship nampak je senang, I pulled it off smoothly. But you just have no idea how hard it is for us. Though right now it's gotten smoother sebab...hm, I don't know prolly we both are experienced LDR couple. Haha.
It was pretty hard for us to go through earlier but now, oklah, not as hard but not as senang jugak. We've wisen up and we've grown up.
Shit comes easy as time ticks. Kinda lah.
Yer, our hearts are still aching sebab tak dapat jumpa macam other couples, but if we've gone through 9 years of obstacles and being apart, how much damage can a year or two make lahhh.
We've passed the big shit, now tinggal all these benda benda kecik remeh temeh...small matter lahhhh (wah bongkak).
Nothing is impossibleeeeeee. (wah, best tak ending aku ni? Hahahaha!)