For the first time in my life, I went for a pap smear test.
Ok ceritanya gini.
I scheduled my appointment for a pap smear on Feb. The first time I went to see my doctor, hari tu cuma untuk sesi berkenalan je. Dia nak tau family history, my health history, current medication blah blah. Kira that day was for the patient (aka me) to gauge whether or not I'd like this doctor to be my doctor.
The procedure over here, kita boleh hire-and-fire your doctor to be your Primary Care Physician (PCP). Your PCP will be your first contact kalau ada apa-apa masalah as well as caring for your on-going health issues. So instead of going to some random clinic ke hospital ke apa, you'd first go to see your PCP, they will diagnose you and recommend the proper solution. They'd also refer you to a trusted specialist if you need. If you need ubat ke apa, they'll provide the prescription for you and you can bring that prescription to the pharmacy. They're your family doctor la kiranya.
Speaking of ubat, hospitals and doctors office usually tak de obattt. You'd have to get your obat from outside pharmacies. Usually drug stores ada pharmacy segment at the back, so you'd bring your prescription from your doctor to them, and they'll provide you with your meds.
So I scheduled my appointment, and my doctor told me to schedule another appointment for physical.
Like crap. Tak boleh ke buat sekali gus. Malasnyaaaaa nak kena amik cuti bagai.
But whatever lah. More of a reason for me to prep my vagina. LOLOL
So I did. I scheduled 2 weeks after that day. When the day came, tetiba la pulak period kan. I wasn't sure if you can do your pap smear WHILE on period. Aku fikir, mesti bersembur sembur darah bila kangkang kan...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Damn imaginasi tinggi.
I rescheduled it, a month later.
So the day for my physical finally arrived. Oh before tu lupa nak bagitau, on the day itself (my appointment was at 2:30pm), in the morning I was working. So I rushed home, got home around 1pm-ish, had lunch etc. Tengah tengah rehat sambil tunggu jam 2am (the health center is only 10mins from my house), tiba tiba teringat:
"OH SHIT. AKU TAK SHAVE PEPET LAGI"
Then kelam kabut shave. Nasib baik gua ni pro. Guna shaver laki. Dia shave muka, gua shave pepet.
Tahik gila aku ni
Anyway, kau nak present your vajayjay to a stranger, takkan kau nak dia perform treasure hunting kot. Kena selak selak baru jumpa. HAHAHAHHAHA
Ok I'm making it sounds so horrible, it's not that horrible guys. Aku tak de la biarkan pubic hair tumbuh so wild sampai boleh buat braids, y'alls.
Macam mana laki aku nak perform hobi di malam Jumaat kalau bukak bukak je WHOOSSHH rumput sejambak.
Oh speaking of malam Jumaat, what in the world does that mean? Meaning kau cuma have sex hari Jumaat je ke? (or is it on Thursday night itself?)
But whatever it is, damn how do you live with that. Once a week? It's not a chore ladies. It's human nature, we want it all the time.
Anyway I digress.
So back to my pap smear test (HAHAH yes aku ni kuat get off track). So I dragged my husband with me in the room. My doctor came, we talked a bit, blah blah, then she told me wear this hospital gown yg ada cuma strings tu. Ok, meh sini aku nak complain, ni gown utk budak budak ke apaaaa. My boobs can barely fit the damn thing!
Anyway, so I laid on the medical chair thingy (??for some reason my brain can't think what it's called, but you should know what I mean), she covered my bottom half with a cover, and said "Ok, I'm going to check for any lumps on your breasts now ok"
I was like.
"Um, okay, go ahead, pile on onto my uncomfortable-ness"
All of us laughed at my dumb joke.
Dude, I don't know why but I'd make dumb jokes when I'm uncomfortable. I used to just talk non-stop, but apparently I've developed this habit where I'd say stupid shit. I guess it's my brain trying to ease up the situation or something.
Anyway, she opened my gown, and pressed on my boobs. Squeeze and squeezed.
DUDE, IT HURT.
Don't get me wrong, I like it rough on the bed, but THIS FRICKING HURT.
She said all is normal.
I replied "Good, because that hurt and I don't want to do it again"
Sorry, I couldn't help my mouth.
Then she went on to pull the leg structures from the chair (sorry, don't know what it's called), and asked me to put my legs there. She told me to move forward so that my butt touches the edge of the chair.
She lubed up the device, and told me to take a deep breath. And she shoved it in.
Ok first thing first here. The "shoving" part, didn't hurt at all. maybe the fact that I'm used to big stuff LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL, but it's the fucking scraping or swabbing or whatever that comes afterwards that's soooooooooooooooooooo uncomfortable!!
I felt it was scraping the inner wall of my vagina (ok that's not true, it's actually the opening of the cervix) but hole fucking shitball.
Most. Uncomfortable. Feeling. Ever.
And I thought letting a stranger squeeze my boobs were uncomfortable?? How naive was I.
Oklah, I know you're an expert, you've had 10120231 pap smear tests, and you must be thinking "alaaaaaa setakat feeling pap smear je dah dramatik over over".
I'm telling how I felt and if you don't like it, then go write on your own blog.
Eh tetiba defensive apahal.
Anyway, I hated the feeling. It didn't hurt. And when Don asked me how it felt, I couldn't describe it. I told him, it's not just something I can describe.
He said "try me"
I said "Can't. You don't have a hole in your private region"
He said "yes I do. A butt hole"
Whatever, gua malas nak layan laki gua.